ok mayb one more...

hppy one. with a lil bit of sad

i just found out tht gerard might NOT be moving to australia after all!!!! XD XD XD XD XD

cos apparently his dad accepted a job in france nd he might b staying here with his brother

i am so happy about tht but theres still a chance he might go.

i was so upset the other day cos it onli just sank in how much im going to miss him nd just the little things tht are going to remind me of him. like yesteday i went to croydon with trout and emily nd we wer going to meet gerard. i was just sitting on the bus listening to my ipod and a fosters truck went past and i could feel myself welling up a lil =[ i just reli dont want him to leave. i love him too much. hes been my friend for 5 years but my reli close friend for the past 2/3 so im just preying tht he doesnt leave and tht he stays here

=]

probably the onli happy post that ive written on this lol

GERARDS BACK!!! yay he just got back off a 3 week holiday

Ive missed him so much

i thnk i was the first one he called =] i feel loved lol

i swear he is probably going to get fed up with me now cos im not sure wen he leaves for good so i shall b spending as much time as i possibly can with him for the next couple weeks =]

xxx

grrr

i cant believe trout she pissed me off today without knowing

i just found out something i did not like andi was quiet for about 10 minutes and i lied to dan about being alrite which i obviously wasnt. i mean i fancy dan so i dont like lying to the people i fancy.

we were sitting on this bit of grass (after i was told somethng) and she was complaining for ages tht the grass was a bit spiky! i mean ffs is tht the biggest problem tht shes got in her fucking life!!! i have a 7 year old who thinks shes fat nd rae (who i love with all my heart) hu si.

i mean ffs get a life and get some real problems like the rest of us instead of complaining about the fucking grass. i mean she couldve moved onto the pavement or the bench which was literally rite next to we were sittig i couldve slapped her so hard it was unbelieveable.

grrrr

i am so sick with all this shit

about how people are supposed to look

these models tht are stick thin

with perfect flawless skin

they way people are meant to walk

or how to talk

im sick of society

and everything tht comes with it.




i am fed up with the amount of people on tv shows,models,music videos ect u always see people who look pretty much perfect

well the fact is theyre not

theyre just the definition of wot society would label as perfect

the truth is every single person in this world thinks there is something wrong with their body

whether theyre too short, fat, or ugly. but when it comes down to it every single one of my friends are perfect no matter wot they say or think or even belive about themselves

im so sick of people trying to b something tht they arent already.

i just found out the other day my little baby nicola thnks shes TOO FAT!!!

i mean for fuck sakes shes BLOODY 7 YEARS OLD!!!

shes nowhere near fat

i slept round emmas on sat night

she lives next door to nicola and her family

and i heard some noise so i looked out emmas window

my heart broke in 2 when i saw nicola. i mean i love her so much. she saw me and yelled 'STEPHANIE!!' lol she got the name mixed up with my sisters. it made me smile. but the truth is i was actually crying on the inside. and im crying now as i write this. i can no longer look at her the same way ever again. ='[

ive known to many people hu have self harmed and now whenever i see her it makes me wonder whether she will eventually turn to it. =[

ive known nicola since she was 3 years old and i dont think i will ever b able to take it if she does. i cant stand knowing the fact tht she thinks shes too fat at tht age. shes not meant to think like tht especially at tht age.

im jsut so sick of society and im sick of people thinking things tht they arent

i would never change ne single one of my friends or ne1 tht i like looks wise. there is nothing wrong with them. if u ask me they ARE the definition of perfection

Rachel

i just want u to know tht i love u so much!



ur one of my best friends and i dont know what i would do without u



trust me im alrite now.ive cheered up alot

all i do is just squeeze (?) lol my skin together for like 5 seconds and then let go nd then im fine ish nd it doesnt hurt since i have like no nails lol. its rather stupid reli. i didnt reli wanna tell u cos i was afraid tht ud blame urself. like u did when u thought lloyd self harmed.i was just worried.

but i want u to know tht it is not ur fault!! in any possible way. and if u think of one . ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD (lol) so get rid of it.

i dont know whos fault it is prob my own but im getting better trust me.

just know tht i love u so much and i would do anything for you. ur one of my best friends and i dont want to lose you. in a way i feel like we can help each other with me its my anger & depression and with u its depression & low self esteem/confidence.

but neway i love u and i always will

xxx

='[

ive never felt more alone in my life



i just hate life at the moment

youre so hard to hold but i cant let go



i found a new way to release my anger

ive onli told 2/3 people tht i do it they think its a form of self-harm



i think otherwise

cos its not like im bleeding or anything

it just helps me to release my anger/depression



id rather do tht than feel like this...


great now im crying

...

Onli small drops of pain but even the rain can turn into rivers....

this phrase is so true when it comes to me

the onli thing i dont know how much more i can take.

why cant everything be ok?
i hate feeling like this
i just wish it would all end