Theres nothing that kills you most is knowing that the person you love who broke your heart nearly 6 months ago still loves you. I just cant seem to stop crying at the moment, he is always one my mind. I dont want to eat, i dont want to sleep, i just want to curl up into a ball and die.
Have to wear a damn support round my arm just to hide something now =[ Im getting worse. But the sting of it distracts me...
Some of my friends who have partners, whenever they post something about it i just burst into tears and just want to yell at them. But its not their fault at all so if i did i would feel so guilty afterwards. I started crying about 10 minutes ago and i was literally shaking uncontrollably.
I dont know what i did to deserve this, i really dont. He broke my heart but i still love him with all the broken pieces ='[
The stuff that ive done the past 6 months im not proud of myself at all. Ive smoked, i get overly drunk each chance i get as thats the only time im remotely happy. And some other stuff that im not going to write here. I really dont care what people think anymore. Im certain that if i went to the doctors i would go on anti depressants, but i dont want to rely on a pill to make myself feel better. Ive been told i should think about seeing a counsellor but what good would that do? How will going over this whole thing again (which i do on a daily basis) to a complete stranger who doesnt know fuck all about me make me feel any better about this?
Im trying to hard to resist temptation at the moment when its so easy for me to have the physial pain overcome the emotional but i dont want to =[ Theres a empty place inside of me and its only getting bigger. This is pure torture so please just kill me now =[
Saturday, 17 December 2011
Monday, 7 November 2011
These wounds are self inflicted...but they were made by you
Well havent really posted in a while so thought id get some stuff down.
Not had the best few months to say to least. had my heart broken by the one person who i thought i could trust. he said hed never leave me ever again when we got back together, but he did in the worst way possible after nearly a 2 year relationship. never thought he could be so cruel.
I nearly killed myself, the temptation to get anti-depressants is overwhelming (but i refuse to rely on a tablet. Id probably take one too many knowing me. Ive..gotten worse hurting myself. Moved up a few stages lets say. Not exactly proud of myself but you know what it helps when i need it and i dont need to explain myself to anybody. Especially when some 'friends' werent even there to help me to begin with so fuck it.
Im just trying to look out for myself for once in my life, putting my needs and what i want first rather than trying to look out for everyone else and be sensative of their feelings. Fuck it i really couldnt care less. In all honest, im suprised that im here, alive.
Theres only one person who is able to cheer me up at the moment and theyre not who i wouldve put my money on lol. they make me smile and distract me. Stuff has happened and i regret nothing, theyre the only one since june 30th 2011, that has managed to make me smile and have it remain there.
Started my second year of uni, so far so good. Ive actually enjoyed it a bit more this year. Talking to more people, and im comfortable with the people that i already know so i can actually be myself to some extent. My friend rebecca though is the only one who knows exactly whats going on in my life and in my head. Shes the only one i seem to trust at the moment.
Got my car in october. shes beautiful i love her. just want to pass my practical now then im off.
We also got a new rottweiler puppy called dexter. Hes lovely though hes started to become a little shit but hes only a puppy so cant blame him too much. its just when he goes to bite my bloody toes ¬¬
nothing else to say really. ive just made a few changes in my life and i realised i shouldve just stuck to what i knew 3 years ago. and thats trust noone.
Not had the best few months to say to least. had my heart broken by the one person who i thought i could trust. he said hed never leave me ever again when we got back together, but he did in the worst way possible after nearly a 2 year relationship. never thought he could be so cruel.
I nearly killed myself, the temptation to get anti-depressants is overwhelming (but i refuse to rely on a tablet. Id probably take one too many knowing me. Ive..gotten worse hurting myself. Moved up a few stages lets say. Not exactly proud of myself but you know what it helps when i need it and i dont need to explain myself to anybody. Especially when some 'friends' werent even there to help me to begin with so fuck it.
Im just trying to look out for myself for once in my life, putting my needs and what i want first rather than trying to look out for everyone else and be sensative of their feelings. Fuck it i really couldnt care less. In all honest, im suprised that im here, alive.
Theres only one person who is able to cheer me up at the moment and theyre not who i wouldve put my money on lol. they make me smile and distract me. Stuff has happened and i regret nothing, theyre the only one since june 30th 2011, that has managed to make me smile and have it remain there.
Started my second year of uni, so far so good. Ive actually enjoyed it a bit more this year. Talking to more people, and im comfortable with the people that i already know so i can actually be myself to some extent. My friend rebecca though is the only one who knows exactly whats going on in my life and in my head. Shes the only one i seem to trust at the moment.
Got my car in october. shes beautiful i love her. just want to pass my practical now then im off.
We also got a new rottweiler puppy called dexter. Hes lovely though hes started to become a little shit but hes only a puppy so cant blame him too much. its just when he goes to bite my bloody toes ¬¬
nothing else to say really. ive just made a few changes in my life and i realised i shouldve just stuck to what i knew 3 years ago. and thats trust noone.
Friday, 11 March 2011
This year
Ok so far this year it has been quite crap i have to say. I can only hope the rest of the year gets better :/
i think its funny on the happy one i posted a thing of things i have to look forward to this year, and it said how i was planning to start my driving in january lol. its not much and ive only just booked some lessons. got a double lesson on the 25th so i have that to look forward to.
January
This has got to be my worst month. never felt that crap in a long time.
February
not really had much to say on that. valentines day was nice. only down thing about that is toms not really fussed on that day :/ which is weird because on our first he did make a big thing of it but i duno
march
this month just felt fed up really. fed up of uni and all the work, how i dont get to see anyone on the weekends. just feel like noones that fussed about me anymore. :/
good thing is booked my first lesson for the 25th so that should be good =] hopefully by the end of this year i wouldve passed my test so thats something good.oh and its mine and toms one and half year on the 26th so i said about going chessington that day and he said yeah so that would be nice =] day after my first lesson as well xD haha
April
hoping to meet up with my dan dan during this time would be good to see them. we mentioned about going to thorpe park or something so well see.
got 2 weeks work at barracudas which is wicked and another good thing about tht is tom got the job at the same camp as well so yays =D
got pretty much the whole month off uni, but i have 3 pieces of work to hand in on the 28th ¬¬ sad times
May
in the first week i have a exam ive been told..not looking forward to that one bit =[
havent got much to say for this month. nothings planned or anything that i can remotely look forward to so i duno
June
toms birthdy, gonna try and see if i can do something nice for it not entirely sure what yet lol. even though i hve his 21st birthday planned already haha. thats not going to help tho.
other than that again nothing planned
July
my birthday.. am gonna try and get everyone to go sheep so that would be nice =]
August
2 weeks in florida. still half and half on it so meh lol not much to say on that
September
mine and toms 2 years =]
For the last 3 months nothing to look forward to as yet but hopefully ill pass my driving around this time so yay.
i think its funny on the happy one i posted a thing of things i have to look forward to this year, and it said how i was planning to start my driving in january lol. its not much and ive only just booked some lessons. got a double lesson on the 25th so i have that to look forward to.
January
This has got to be my worst month. never felt that crap in a long time.
February
not really had much to say on that. valentines day was nice. only down thing about that is toms not really fussed on that day :/ which is weird because on our first he did make a big thing of it but i duno
march
this month just felt fed up really. fed up of uni and all the work, how i dont get to see anyone on the weekends. just feel like noones that fussed about me anymore. :/
good thing is booked my first lesson for the 25th so that should be good =] hopefully by the end of this year i wouldve passed my test so thats something good.oh and its mine and toms one and half year on the 26th so i said about going chessington that day and he said yeah so that would be nice =] day after my first lesson as well xD haha
April
hoping to meet up with my dan dan during this time would be good to see them. we mentioned about going to thorpe park or something so well see.
got 2 weeks work at barracudas which is wicked and another good thing about tht is tom got the job at the same camp as well so yays =D
got pretty much the whole month off uni, but i have 3 pieces of work to hand in on the 28th ¬¬ sad times
May
in the first week i have a exam ive been told..not looking forward to that one bit =[
havent got much to say for this month. nothings planned or anything that i can remotely look forward to so i duno
June
toms birthdy, gonna try and see if i can do something nice for it not entirely sure what yet lol. even though i hve his 21st birthday planned already haha. thats not going to help tho.
other than that again nothing planned
July
my birthday.. am gonna try and get everyone to go sheep so that would be nice =]
August
2 weeks in florida. still half and half on it so meh lol not much to say on that
September
mine and toms 2 years =]
For the last 3 months nothing to look forward to as yet but hopefully ill pass my driving around this time so yay.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
I think its funny when..
someone moans at you about somthing that you wear because its slutty or shows of your boobs or some shit and then u see that they have bought a top just like it...wtf u fucking hipocrite. stop copying other peoples styles. fucking grow up u sad twat.
im so fed up with hipocrites saying one thing about a subject and then saying something else to another person. fuck off you pathetic wankers. grow up and get a life.
im so fed up with hipocrites saying one thing about a subject and then saying something else to another person. fuck off you pathetic wankers. grow up and get a life.
Sunday, 19 December 2010
:/
Am in such a shit mood.
Was in such a bad mood last night but nothing could be done about it. What was the point. Basically, slept round toms at uni friday night and on saturday because of tom coming home for xmas and the snow his mum and step dad came to pick us up. and i had to stay there last night because i couldnt get home. Got back to his at 3. i literally sat there for 3 hours with nothing to do. tom and shane were playing this game online, and shanes friend was on the xbox. They asked if i wanted to go on it but if he was happily playing it im not going to say no get off it so i can am i?
The most interation i got last night was after dinner at 6 when those 3 went up stairs and i talked to toms mum for about a hour about random things. Or when me and tom went downstairs just before bed. and that was at 1:30 in the morning. Rest of the time i was just lying there with nothing to do. Even when i first laid down on the bed i asked tom to give me some cuddles, and even then he was complaining saying how hes not tired/doesnt want to go to bed. But all i wanted was a cuddle. I didnt say anything about him going to bed. But i knew he just wanted to play that online game with shane.
I contemplated whether i should just leave and try walking home in the snow. Yeah it would take me a couple hours but at least id be doing something.
Anyway this morning his mum and step dad brought me home. got home about half hour ago. and noone was in they all went to tescos or something. But cos of our new alarm system ive never turned it off before. they told me how but cos ive never done it i panicked and thought shit what if i dont do it right, what if i cant do it etc. The alarm is connected to the police so if it keeps going off the police would come. So i thought fuck it im not goin to do it. But i didnt know hwo long theyd be. So i used my last bit of credit to text my mum saying call me. And she didnt. i waited 10 minutes and she didnt. So i opened the front door threw my bags in and shut the door so the alarm wouldnt go off. went next door to my neighbours and asked if i could use their phone to call them. my mum said theyd be home soon so just wait. so i did. and when they got back, all i got was fucking grief! My dad was calling me stupid saying oh use your fucking brain for once and stuff. oh what if the alarm picked you up when you put your stuff in what would you have done then, you shouldve just fucking waited etc.
While i was waiting for my mum to call me, i punched the wall in the porch now my wrist is a bit sore :/ awell
Just had a little cry to let some of it out but now im in such a bad mood =[
Was in such a bad mood last night but nothing could be done about it. What was the point. Basically, slept round toms at uni friday night and on saturday because of tom coming home for xmas and the snow his mum and step dad came to pick us up. and i had to stay there last night because i couldnt get home. Got back to his at 3. i literally sat there for 3 hours with nothing to do. tom and shane were playing this game online, and shanes friend was on the xbox. They asked if i wanted to go on it but if he was happily playing it im not going to say no get off it so i can am i?
The most interation i got last night was after dinner at 6 when those 3 went up stairs and i talked to toms mum for about a hour about random things. Or when me and tom went downstairs just before bed. and that was at 1:30 in the morning. Rest of the time i was just lying there with nothing to do. Even when i first laid down on the bed i asked tom to give me some cuddles, and even then he was complaining saying how hes not tired/doesnt want to go to bed. But all i wanted was a cuddle. I didnt say anything about him going to bed. But i knew he just wanted to play that online game with shane.
I contemplated whether i should just leave and try walking home in the snow. Yeah it would take me a couple hours but at least id be doing something.
Anyway this morning his mum and step dad brought me home. got home about half hour ago. and noone was in they all went to tescos or something. But cos of our new alarm system ive never turned it off before. they told me how but cos ive never done it i panicked and thought shit what if i dont do it right, what if i cant do it etc. The alarm is connected to the police so if it keeps going off the police would come. So i thought fuck it im not goin to do it. But i didnt know hwo long theyd be. So i used my last bit of credit to text my mum saying call me. And she didnt. i waited 10 minutes and she didnt. So i opened the front door threw my bags in and shut the door so the alarm wouldnt go off. went next door to my neighbours and asked if i could use their phone to call them. my mum said theyd be home soon so just wait. so i did. and when they got back, all i got was fucking grief! My dad was calling me stupid saying oh use your fucking brain for once and stuff. oh what if the alarm picked you up when you put your stuff in what would you have done then, you shouldve just fucking waited etc.
While i was waiting for my mum to call me, i punched the wall in the porch now my wrist is a bit sore :/ awell
Just had a little cry to let some of it out but now im in such a bad mood =[
Friday, 10 December 2010
Ergh
I hate getting wound up over the same thing over and over again. But with this it cant be helped :/ no matter what happens i will always shake with anger whenever i think about a certain thing ¬¬
Doesnt matter whether i dont have to see it anymore or whatever but my anger towards them will never go away. I dont give a shit. I will fucking beat the shit out of them if they come anywhere near me.
Piece of shit has been affecting me for 2 years now. Fucking dickead.
Doesnt matter whether i dont have to see it anymore or whatever but my anger towards them will never go away. I dont give a shit. I will fucking beat the shit out of them if they come anywhere near me.
Piece of shit has been affecting me for 2 years now. Fucking dickead.
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Umm
Im not that happy atm. I just realised earlier that I found Charlie...dead in his hutch a year ago today > <
Im semi crying now while writing this =[ i had a little cry earlier and it just keeps coming lol. I can still see him when i uncovered him that morning just lying there ='[
Its so heartbreaking..i just miss him sooo much a day hasnt really gone by when ive not thought about stuff that he did, if i was upset he would literally just sit there on my lap and listened to me whilst i talked to him, how he made me laugh, how he could cheer me up so easily. He was so much more than a pet to me, he really was. He was my baby and was and stil always be a part of me ='[
Sometimes i swear i can almost feel his fur on me again =[
Im trying so hard not to cry. Ive kinda given myself a headache atm from it all. And i bet this isnt helping my hormones either considering ive just started taking the pill > <
But then i guess that could be whats influencing me crying even more. I duno
I just know that i miss him and he was the best pet i ever had. Im still heart broken over it all and i just hate it. No pet will ever replace him. Never. He was my baby ='[
Ergh i really need to stop this crying, its making my headache worse =[
Im semi crying now while writing this =[ i had a little cry earlier and it just keeps coming lol. I can still see him when i uncovered him that morning just lying there ='[
Its so heartbreaking..i just miss him sooo much a day hasnt really gone by when ive not thought about stuff that he did, if i was upset he would literally just sit there on my lap and listened to me whilst i talked to him, how he made me laugh, how he could cheer me up so easily. He was so much more than a pet to me, he really was. He was my baby and was and stil always be a part of me ='[
Sometimes i swear i can almost feel his fur on me again =[
Im trying so hard not to cry. Ive kinda given myself a headache atm from it all. And i bet this isnt helping my hormones either considering ive just started taking the pill > <
But then i guess that could be whats influencing me crying even more. I duno
I just know that i miss him and he was the best pet i ever had. Im still heart broken over it all and i just hate it. No pet will ever replace him. Never. He was my baby ='[
Ergh i really need to stop this crying, its making my headache worse =[
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