Some girl

I cant take this anymore ='[ id much rather be dead...

2011-12-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

Theres nothing that kills you most is knowing that the person you love who broke your heart nearly 6 months ago still loves you. I just cant seem to stop crying at the moment, he is always one my mind. I dont want to eat, i dont want to sleep, i just want to curl up into a ball and die.

Have to wear a damn support round my arm just to hide something now =[ Im getting worse. But the sting of it distracts me...

Some of my friends who have partners, whenever they post something about it i just burst into tears and just want to yell at them. But its not their fault at all so if i did i would feel so guilty afterwards. I started crying about 10 minutes ago and i was literally shaking uncontrollably.

I dont know what i did to deserve this, i really dont. He broke my heart but i still love him with all the broken pieces ='[
The stuff that ive done the past 6 months im not proud of myself at all. Ive smoked, i get overly drunk each chance i get as thats the only time im remotely happy. And some other stuff that im not going to write here. I really dont care what people think anymore. Im certain that if i went to the doctors i would go on anti depressants, but i dont want to rely on a pill to make myself feel better. Ive been told i should think about seeing a counsellor but what good would that do? How will going over this whole thing again (which i do on a daily basis) to a complete stranger who doesnt know fuck all about me make me feel any better about this?

Im trying to hard to resist temptation at the moment when its so easy for me to have the physial pain overcome the emotional but i dont want to =[ Theres a empty place inside of me and its only getting bigger. This is pure torture so please just kill me now =[

These wounds are self inflicted...but they were made by you

2011-11-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

Well havent really posted in a while so thought id get some stuff down.

Not had the best few months to say to least. had my heart broken by the one person who i thought i could trust. he said hed never leave me ever again when we got back together, but he did in the worst way possible after nearly a 2 year relationship. never thought he could be so cruel.

I nearly killed myself, the temptation to get anti-depressants is overwhelming (but i refuse to rely on a tablet. Id probably take one too many knowing me. Ive..gotten worse hurting myself. Moved up a few stages lets say. Not exactly proud of myself but you know what it helps when i need it and i dont need to explain myself to anybody. Especially when some 'friends' werent even there to help me to begin with so fuck it.

Im just trying to look out for myself for once in my life, putting my needs and what i want first rather than trying to look out for everyone else and be sensative of their feelings. Fuck it i really couldnt care less. In all honest, im suprised that im here, alive.

Theres only one person who is able to cheer me up at the moment and theyre not who i wouldve put my money on lol. they make me smile and distract me. Stuff has happened and i regret nothing, theyre the only one since june 30th 2011, that has managed to make me smile and have it remain there.

Started my second year of uni, so far so good. Ive actually enjoyed it a bit more this year. Talking to more people, and im comfortable with the people that i already know so i can actually be myself to some extent. My friend rebecca though is the only one who knows exactly whats going on in my life and in my head. Shes the only one i seem to trust at the moment.

Got my car in october. shes beautiful i love her. just want to pass my practical now then im off.

We also got a new rottweiler puppy called dexter. Hes lovely though hes started to become a little shit but hes only a puppy so cant blame him too much. its just when he goes to bite my bloody toes ¬¬

nothing else to say really. ive just made a few changes in my life and i realised i shouldve just stuck to what i knew 3 years ago. and thats trust noone.

This year

2011-03-11T04:33:00.000-08:00

Ok so far this year it has been quite crap i have to say. I can only hope the rest of the year gets better :/

i think its funny on the happy one i posted a thing of things i have to look forward to this year, and it said how i was planning to start my driving in january lol. its not much and ive only just booked some lessons. got a double lesson on the 25th so i have that to look forward to.

January
This has got to be my worst month. never felt that crap in a long time.

February
not really had much to say on that. valentines day was nice. only down thing about that is toms not really fussed on that day :/ which is weird because on our first he did make a big thing of it but i duno

march
this month just felt fed up really. fed up of uni and all the work, how i dont get to see anyone on the weekends. just feel like noones that fussed about me anymore. :/

good thing is booked my first lesson for the 25th so that should be good =] hopefully by the end of this year i wouldve passed my test so thats something good.oh and its mine and toms one and half year on the 26th so i said about going chessington that day and he said yeah so that would be nice =] day after my first lesson as well xD haha

April
hoping to meet up with my dan dan during this time would be good to see them. we mentioned about going to thorpe park or something so well see.
got 2 weeks work at barracudas which is wicked and another good thing about tht is tom got the job at the same camp as well so yays =D
got pretty much the whole month off uni, but i have 3 pieces of work to hand in on the 28th ¬¬ sad times

May
in the first week i have a exam ive been told..not looking forward to that one bit =[
havent got much to say for this month. nothings planned or anything that i can remotely look forward to so i duno

June
toms birthdy, gonna try and see if i can do something nice for it not entirely sure what yet lol. even though i hve his 21st birthday planned already haha. thats not going to help tho.
other than that again nothing planned

July
my birthday.. am gonna try and get everyone to go sheep so that would be nice =]

August
2 weeks in florida. still half and half on it so meh lol not much to say on that

September
mine and toms 2 years =]

For the last 3 months nothing to look forward to as yet but hopefully ill pass my driving around this time so yay.

I think its funny when..

2011-01-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

someone moans at you about somthing that you wear because its slutty or shows of your boobs or some shit and then u see that they have bought a top just like it...wtf u fucking hipocrite. stop copying other peoples styles. fucking grow up u sad twat.

im so fed up with hipocrites saying one thing about a subject and then saying something else to another person. fuck off you pathetic wankers. grow up and get a life.

:/

2010-12-19T08:16:00.000-08:00

Am in such a shit mood.
Was in such a bad mood last night but nothing could be done about it. What was the point. Basically, slept round toms at uni friday night and on saturday because of tom coming home for xmas and the snow his mum and step dad came to pick us up. and i had to stay there last night because i couldnt get home. Got back to his at 3. i literally sat there for 3 hours with nothing to do. tom and shane were playing this game online, and shanes friend was on the xbox. They asked if i wanted to go on it but if he was happily playing it im not going to say no get off it so i can am i?

The most interation i got last night was after dinner at 6 when those 3 went up stairs and i talked to toms mum for about a hour about random things. Or when me and tom went downstairs just before bed. and that was at 1:30 in the morning. Rest of the time i was just lying there with nothing to do. Even when i first laid down on the bed i asked tom to give me some cuddles, and even then he was complaining saying how hes not tired/doesnt want to go to bed. But all i wanted was a cuddle. I didnt say anything about him going to bed. But i knew he just wanted to play that online game with shane.

I contemplated whether i should just leave and try walking home in the snow. Yeah it would take me a couple hours but at least id be doing something.

Anyway this morning his mum and step dad brought me home. got home about half hour ago. and noone was in they all went to tescos or something. But cos of our new alarm system ive never turned it off before. they told me how but cos ive never done it i panicked and thought shit what if i dont do it right, what if i cant do it etc. The alarm is connected to the police so if it keeps going off the police would come. So i thought fuck it im not goin to do it. But i didnt know hwo long theyd be. So i used my last bit of credit to text my mum saying call me. And she didnt. i waited 10 minutes and she didnt. So i opened the front door threw my bags in and shut the door so the alarm wouldnt go off. went next door to my neighbours and asked if i could use their phone to call them. my mum said theyd be home soon so just wait. so i did. and when they got back, all i got was fucking grief! My dad was calling me stupid saying oh use your fucking brain for once and stuff. oh what if the alarm picked you up when you put your stuff in what would you have done then, you shouldve just fucking waited etc.

While i was waiting for my mum to call me, i punched the wall in the porch now my wrist is a bit sore :/ awell
Just had a little cry to let some of it out but now im in such a bad mood =[

Ergh

2010-12-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

I hate getting wound up over the same thing over and over again. But with this it cant be helped :/ no matter what happens i will always shake with anger whenever i think about a certain thing ¬¬

Doesnt matter whether i dont have to see it anymore or whatever but my anger towards them will never go away. I dont give a shit. I will fucking beat the shit out of them if they come anywhere near me.

Piece of shit has been affecting me for 2 years now. Fucking dickead.

Umm

2010-10-24T13:36:00.001-07:00

Im not that happy atm. I just realised earlier that I found Charlie...dead in his hutch a year ago today > <

Im semi crying now while writing this =[ i had a little cry earlier and it just keeps coming lol. I can still see him when i uncovered him that morning just lying there ='[

Its so heartbreaking..i just miss him sooo much a day hasnt really gone by when ive not thought about stuff that he did, if i was upset he would literally just sit there on my lap and listened to me whilst i talked to him, how he made me laugh, how he could cheer me up so easily. He was so much more than a pet to me, he really was. He was my baby and was and stil always be a part of me ='[

Sometimes i swear i can almost feel his fur on me again =[

Im trying so hard not to cry. Ive kinda given myself a headache atm from it all. And i bet this isnt helping my hormones either considering ive just started taking the pill > <

But then i guess that could be whats influencing me crying even more. I duno

I just know that i miss him and he was the best pet i ever had. Im still heart broken over it all and i just hate it. No pet will ever replace him. Never. He was my baby ='[

Ergh i really need to stop this crying, its making my headache worse =[

Pill

2010-10-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

Last wednesday me and vickie went to the doctors together as we both wanted to go on the pill so we thought it would be nice to go on together. And im glad we did so its more than just moral support for the other.

And i started taking the pill thursday night had a bit of a spaz though cos i wanted to take it about 6pm so then i dont have to worry about being in uni, or if i oversleep in the morning, or if im out at night or w/e. But i came on like really early in the morning lol so had to wait over 12 hours to take it. Annoyed me lol. But i already i hate it lol and ive only taken 3.

I have such problems when it comes to taking tablets. But meh ill deal with it. Means im more safe.

Ergh i swear, guys dont know what we have to put up with and deal with as girls. Guys are the easier sex guarenteed. What do they have to go through thats embaressing or annoying? its literally their voice breaking and thats it. we bleed every month for about a week until were abut what 50/60? and we have to deal with the pain of it before and after. we have to give birth. its like erghhh.

i love being a girl dont get me wrong. but i just wish that guys knew what it was to live a day in our shoes.

wtf

2010-09-18T02:19:00.000-07:00

Seriously, im getting fed up with people being so stuck up so far into their fucking arses!!!

They dont know stuff that i know.So they better fuking get over themselves before i get really angry

OMG

2010-09-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Why cant people just grow up. So many people are living in a dream world and dont seem to notice that fact. Im getting more and more agitated by the day about all of this shit.

So many people really do just need a slap. More than that really but im not wasting it on them. Why is it that some girls one and only priority is guys and getting their attention. Why. Seriously.

Im fed up with selfish people. Who dont care about other peoples feelings, or what they have to say.

Some people really need to fucking grow up and act their age. Not their bloody shoe size!!

Ergh

2010-05-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

Pisses me off how people think that they can ignore you and your problems, but then as soon as they have an issue, they come to you to tell you about it expecting to be comforted...

No it doesnt work like that. People piss me off

shag band colours and meanings

2010-03-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

lol wanted to know wot they all meant

Black- sex
White- flash
Green- hj
Blue- oral
Red-lap dance
Glow in the dark- sex toys
Silver/grey- outdoor sex
Pink-love bite
Purple- kiss (tongues)
Orange-kiss
Yellow-hug
Clear-snapper chooses
Gold-all
Light blue-anal
Light pink-hug and kiss

Glittery/colour- whatever the snapper wants and what the colour means e.g. glittery purple, whatever the snapper wants and tongues kiss

Clear blue- boy chooses
Clear pink- girl chooses

Xmas

2009-12-25T10:30:00.001-08:00

Am i the only one who thinks christmas is just another day now ?

Felt quite shit today and all ive had off my sister today are sly digs at me and im quite pissed off. got a bottle of smirnoff with me atm... ergh im so sick of it all. wanna get out but cant =[ pisses me off

=]

2009-09-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

Manda.. I know I have been a Douche and a half over recent matters, and i also know u are to nice to admit it. which is why just asking this feels out of order but might as well give it a shot...

Because of stuff with my ex i thought it best to like just do nothing and then everything would be okai, because it wasnt fair on you when that was going on, but i cant help but think there was no need for that. we are really great together and never have a argument not even over most upsetting things. and thats a huge thing. most people would have spilled blood over it >,< lol
I think you are beautiful and a physical attraction is usually the reason for people to get together and its a excilent one. but when u factor in how well our personalitys fit together that just makes it soo much more amazing. we both have our own little spazz's over things that most people would think are rediculas but we cant help but love them about eachother kus they are just that part of who we are. i dont think ive seen a couple in a long time that get on and act so well as we did and still kinda do. it would be kinda akward kusa my ex n stuff, and i still wana stay best friends with her. but i belive ive sorted my feelings properly and i know 100% what i wantand thats you >//<>//<.

but yeahTomro [27th Sunday] ima be at my house all day just jammin. and if u feel like it u are welcome to join me, just come around at anytime and we can watch a film or something =] but its perfectly okai if u dont lol after all ive put u though id understand if u would rather just leave things as they are but would kick myself so much if i didnt try but yeaha.. ima leave it there kus im starting to ramble alot >,<>,<

Tom x

my reply:
dw you did what you thought was best over what happened. and its not like you were the only one who thought it because i know you were getting advice from rachel and emma. when we broke up i did take it quite badly. i still care alot about you and my feelings for you are still here. if anything they've gotten a bit stronger because it helped me realise just how much i care about you. i duno we just fit. i still cant believe how well we are together. yh ill come over if you want =] awww you're not rambling silly. xxxxx s

o yeah =] as you can tell thts made me happier. tomz im gonna see how he is and make sure this is wot he wants. i cant go through tht, and put you guys through this again. i know how worried everyone is. i saw trout today and she told me. but dont be. i am getting better eating wise and everything just slowly. i find it piss easy to lose weight but so bloody diffiicult to put back on. and people like luke and gerard sending me messages saying im fat arent helping > < but im getting there.

he really does make me happy. as long as its what he wants. x

.

2009-08-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

hey i have a reli big lack of credit so cant text so im hoping you three get this. you should do cos we normally check this every day but anywho

tomz im getting people to come out and see me cos its my last chance befor ei go away so could you come meet at 11 at the bottom of my hill to go croydon then to city limits. just to the field not the arcade so then its midway between me nd tom x

this is a half and half one of my little expidition :P

2009-07-03T06:11:00.000-07:00

lol right well as you know i had my activities week this week which was called 'walking and camping'

on tuesday we had to do a 9 mile walk
wednesday go to blacklands farm
thursday do a 28 mile walk
friday home XD

tuesday was suprisingly easy i have to say. me tom cally and danielle were the first ones to the meeting point 4 n a half miles in AND we were the first ones back to college. apparently everyone got lost and we didnt XD booyahh

wednesday was kl got there set up camp and had 1 activity which was the crate challenge :P

me and tom were basically cuddlin the whole evening. because hes never seen me in that state and i was wearing his black jumper and curled up in a ball he kept going 'awww cooo cute' and stuff. and he started giving me little kisses on my head and it my hand or arm was near his face hed give it a little kiss bless him.

thursday well lets just say it was HARD and tiring. 18 miles from blacklands farm to the bluebell railway, we had to wake up at 5!!! in the morning we took at least an hour to slowly wake ourselves up nd me tom danielle cally and this guy sulliman set off at 7. we got to the trainstation at 12:30 waheyy. took a 40 minute train ride then had to walk back to blacklands farm.there were about 10 of us who got off the train together but me tom and these 2 guys chad and junior were in front cos we were walking up a hill then when we got to the top we realised noone else was behind us, 5 minutes later get a call from cally saying weve gone the wrong way. so basically we were lost. we asked a man in this park for directions and he sent us in the right direction but we were walking for about an hour. then when we got to the end of this trail we got lost again and we heard some voices. it was another like 6/7 guys who were on the trip with us they were lost as well rofl. so heres me stuck with 10 guys on my own >< lol loved it XD

where we found them they were trying to figure out how to get across this valley and in the middle was a train track tht we had to cross. i had to skid down this massive steep hill with loads of stinging nettles and thorns and everything with 3/4 lengths on!! tom gave me his jumper to put on so my arms were fine but towards the bottom i had to jump and this boy david said jump and ill catch u. awww lol

after about half hour we found our way back to blacklands farm. my legs were terrible. red raw tonnes of scratches bleeding a little bit. only good thing is tht we got back there and we were the first ones back XD lol

bout half hour later danielle and cally and the rest of the people who split off from us got back. we all were knackered. that night me and tom were cuddling again outside of the tents nd he kept giving me little kisses again. cally went to bed, danielle was asleep by the door so we woke her up nd sent her to bed rofl so it was just me and tom for like 5/10 minutes. i said id better go in cos im falling asleep so we hugged nd he kissed me on the head. as i moved he pulled me in and kissed me on the lips lol lasted for less than a second it was a little peck but bless. i could tell he wanted to do it for a while but i never thought hed do it. the timing was perfect and everything aww XD i could still feel it tho when i went to bed with a smile on my face =]

obvs its friday and i got back about 2/3 hours ago and im tired. talking to tom lol neither of us have mentioned it ^ i dont reli want to atm i wouldnt know wot to say.

overall it was a good week tbh i reli enjoyed it.

im just knackered and i know its gonna feel weird cos im not gonna get any late night cuddles tonight with tom so thts why its in this one and not my happy one =]

Im

2009-02-18T13:27:00.003-08:00

So Bloody bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this isnt funny anymore

2008-08-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

i keep seeing dans name everywhere i go. Like at brighton yesterday in the arcade when u do games where you can set high scores, everyone i looked at his name was on it. and last night i kept picturing his face. then today ive pretty much watched tv all day and on some programmes his name was on it and ive just flicked past weakest link and one of the contestants care called dan.

this is pissing me off now

this couldnt be more annoying

2008-08-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

kieron just told me tht he lyks me and wants to make out with me and stuff but he an b in a relationship...god knows why but how exactly do i tell him tht i dont lyk him in tht way. i mean i used to a couple months ago but not know. i lyk someone more than ive ever liked a guy b4 and i just dont know wot to say to him.

people like emily always say to me 'oh at least u have these type of problems' well tbh its not the best thing in the world. kieron is my friend and i dont want to llose him. i mean i was reli reli close with this jake lloyd but then he asked me out and i rejected him twice and now look at us. i hate his guts i cant stand to b in the same vacinity. a couple weeks ago i saw him down in coulsdon with someone and i nearly resorted to my form of 'self harm' i hate him tht much but i didnt cos i realised 1. hes not worth it and 2. i was with some people where i couldnt exactly say wot i was doing, and it didnt help tht i didnt have a jumper with me either so its not lyk i could hide it.

i dont want that to happen between me and kieron. hes a reli gd mate and im scared tht ill lose him. cos i reli dont i guess i could tell him tht im not looking for a relationship and tell him about jake and how i lost him and tht i dont want the same to happen between me and him but... i just dont think i can =[ cos i know tht ill still probably lose him

i just dont know wot to do. =[

gah!! :@

2008-08-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

my sisters just told me that while i was out for lyk an hour this afternoon my mum was moaning saying how i keep going out and that i shouldnt and yet its funny how my mum never says this to me. is it my fault that i have friends, is it my fault that i actually have a social life and spend it with the friends who i love to bits ?

and then if i confront my mum about it she always goes 'no i didnt say it like that' nd then she moans at me about the state of my room or something. but the thing is i have a tiny little box for a room how can i possibly tidy it up when i dont have the storage space ?

im just so fed up nd then my mum complains how i hadly speak to her anymore, well wot can u expect if she keeps moaning at me ! grrr im just so frustrated!

ok mayb one more...

2008-07-26T15:34:00.001-07:00

hppy one. with a lil bit of sad

i just found out tht gerard might NOT be moving to australia after all!!!! XD XD XD XD XD

cos apparently his dad accepted a job in france nd he might b staying here with his brother

i am so happy about tht but theres still a chance he might go.

i was so upset the other day cos it onli just sank in how much im going to miss him nd just the little things tht are going to remind me of him. like yesteday i went to croydon with trout and emily nd we wer going to meet gerard. i was just sitting on the bus listening to my ipod and a fosters truck went past and i could feel myself welling up a lil =[ i just reli dont want him to leave. i love him too much. hes been my friend for 5 years but my reli close friend for the past 2/3 so im just preying tht he doesnt leave and tht he stays here

=]

2008-07-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

probably the onli happy post that ive written on this lol

GERARDS BACK!!! yay he just got back off a 3 week holiday

Ive missed him so much

i thnk i was the first one he called =] i feel loved lol

i swear he is probably going to get fed up with me now cos im not sure wen he leaves for good so i shall b spending as much time as i possibly can with him for the next couple weeks =]

xxx

grrr

2008-07-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

i cant believe trout she pissed me off today without knowing

i just found out something i did not like andi was quiet for about 10 minutes and i lied to dan about being alrite which i obviously wasnt. i mean i fancy dan so i dont like lying to the people i fancy.

we were sitting on this bit of grass (after i was told somethng) and she was complaining for ages tht the grass was a bit spiky! i mean ffs is tht the biggest problem tht shes got in her fucking life!!! i have a 7 year old who thinks shes fat nd rae (who i love with all my heart) hu si.

i mean ffs get a life and get some real problems like the rest of us instead of complaining about the fucking grass. i mean she couldve moved onto the pavement or the bench which was literally rite next to we were sittig i couldve slapped her so hard it was unbelieveable.

grrrr

2008-07-21T12:34:00.001-07:00

i am so sick with all this shit

about how people are supposed to look

these models tht are stick thin

with perfect flawless skin

they way people are meant to walk

or how to talk

im sick of society

and everything tht comes with it.

i am fed up with the amount of people on tv shows,models,music videos ect u always see people who look pretty much perfect

well the fact is theyre not

theyre just the definition of wot society would label as perfect

the truth is every single person in this world thinks there is something wrong with their body

whether theyre too short, fat, or ugly. but when it comes down to it every single one of my friends are perfect no matter wot they say or think or even belive about themselves

im so sick of people trying to b something tht they arent already.

i just found out the other day my little baby nicola thnks shes TOO FAT!!!

i mean for fuck sakes shes BLOODY 7 YEARS OLD!!!

shes nowhere near fat

i slept round emmas on sat night

she lives next door to nicola and her family

and i heard some noise so i looked out emmas window

my heart broke in 2 when i saw nicola. i mean i love her so much. she saw me and yelled 'STEPHANIE!!' lol she got the name mixed up with my sisters. it made me smile. but the truth is i was actually crying on the inside. and im crying now as i write this. i can no longer look at her the same way ever again. ='[

ive known to many people hu have self harmed and now whenever i see her it makes me wonder whether she will eventually turn to it. =[

ive known nicola since she was 3 years old and i dont think i will ever b able to take it if she does. i cant stand knowing the fact tht she thinks shes too fat at tht age. shes not meant to think like tht especially at tht age.

im jsut so sick of society and im sick of people thinking things tht they arent

i would never change ne single one of my friends or ne1 tht i like looks wise. there is nothing wrong with them. if u ask me they ARE the definition of perfection

Rachel

2008-07-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

i just want u to know tht i love u so much!

ur one of my best friends and i dont know what i would do without u

trust me im alrite now.ive cheered up alot

all i do is just squeeze (?) lol my skin together for like 5 seconds and then let go nd then im fine ish nd it doesnt hurt since i have like no nails lol. its rather stupid reli. i didnt reli wanna tell u cos i was afraid tht ud blame urself. like u did when u thought lloyd self harmed.i was just worried.

but i want u to know tht it is not ur fault!! in any possible way. and if u think of one . ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD (lol) so get rid of it.

i dont know whos fault it is prob my own but im getting better trust me.

just know tht i love u so much and i would do anything for you. ur one of my best friends and i dont want to lose you. in a way i feel like we can help each other with me its my anger & depression and with u its depression & low self esteem/confidence.

but neway i love u and i always will

xxx

='[

2008-07-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

ive never felt more alone in my life

i just hate life at the moment

youre so hard to hold but i cant let go

i found a new way to release my anger

ive onli told 2/3 people tht i do it they think its a form of self-harm

i think otherwise

cos its not like im bleeding or anything

it just helps me to release my anger/depression

id rather do tht than feel like this...

great now im crying

...

2008-07-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

Onli small drops of pain but even the rain can turn into rivers....

this phrase is so true when it comes to me

the onli thing i dont know how much more i can take.

why cant everything be ok?
i hate feeling like this
i just wish it would all end

wots wrong with me!

2008-06-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

i dont know why but for the past hour i just feel so alone =[

i dont know y cos i have the best friends but i just feel like ...oh i just dont know anymore

crap

2008-06-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

i thought i was doin so well but now i just feel like shit

i hate life and myself atm

i wish i could decide on my feelings. i think i like someone but i dont knw nd i keep being pressured

also some things in my life have become a difficulty to bare. some people think tht just because theres a smile on my face they think im happy. dont they know tht looks canbe deceiving. i wish i could just crawl under my bedcovers and just forget everything. but i cant. how do u tell someone so close to u tht theyre being reli stubborn i know tht seems reli easy to say but it isnt.

i just feel so alone =[

i hate myself =[

2008-05-13T14:05:00.001-07:00

im reli getting sick of this

i hate myself
i hate my life
i hate skool

i hate nearly everything

i just want to crawl into a ditch and just cry myself to sleep until theres nothing left of me

til noone remembers me

cos then everything would be better tht way...

=[

2008-03-06T14:02:00.000-08:00

grrr today took a turn for the worst

i feel even worse now icant believe i cried twice at skool ! i actually have never cried in skool while ive been in high school and im in my last year! it just felt reli weird cos i had pretty much nearly everyone hu saw me come up to me and start talking to me nd asking me wots wrong

its just reli annoying cos i want to tell them wots wrong so i can talk to them about it but i cant the onli people hu know wots wrong are 3 possibly 4 people and theyre not around all the time

it just reli sucks

i just hate myselfat the moment cos i feelthat it is partly my fault =[

i just want to cry

i wish

2008-03-05T14:47:00.000-08:00

I Wish...

1. ...That I didn't cry every time you were hurting.
2. ...That others saw you in the way that I do. Because you're beautiful.
3. ...That loving you was easy.
4. ...That I could fix your broken heart and your messed up life.
5. ...That you knew how much it hurts me when you say you hate yourself.
6. ...That you knew just how much I love you, and care for you.
7. ...That nothing could ever hurt you ever again.
8. ...That I could wish these for someone else because that would mean that you were okay.
9. ...That it was this easy; that I could just wish your worries away.

But Most Of All...

10. ...I Wish That You Were Happy.

You honestly don't know how big a part of my life you are. I need you.

='[

2008-03-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

you do these things

and say youre ugly

but you dont understand

just how perfect you are

i hate that you feel this way

and i want to put it right

i just dont know how to

Why cant you see this

i tell you youre perfect

just as you are

And how you should never change

but you dont listen

You do these things

and all i want to know is why

cos you never tell me

but i dont mind that you dont

I just mind what you do

cos i dont like it

u have no idea

just how much it upsets me

i just dont know

how much more of this

i can actually take.....